Control Based Love - Exposing Counterfeit Religious Love Pt. 3

Mason Ledbetter
Aug 12
6 min read

Control-Based Love (When “Care” Comes With a Leash)

“I love you—so let me decide what’s best.”

Many of us have heard that line (or something similar) with a smile. It felt like safety, but the price tag was our freedom. That isn’t the Father. That’s control wrapped in spiritual language.

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Corinthians 3:17)

Real care moves you toward The Father and into freedom, not into dependence on people.

The Tell-Tale Signs of Control-Based Love

Concern that controls: “For your protection, do it our way.”
Belonging on probation: “You’re in… as long as you comply.”
Gatekeeping God: “Disagreement equals rebellion.”
Approval economy: “We’ll restore you when you’ve proven yourself.”
Oversight that overreaches: “Run your friendships, posts, and process by us first.”
Moving goalposts: requirements keep changing so you never feel “restored.”
Weaponized honor: disagreement = “dishonor”; questions = “rebellion.”
“We hear God for you”: leaders position themselves as the primary voice for your life.
Surveillance as care: monitoring DMs, posts, friendships “for your protection.”
Gatekeeping grace: help is conditional on obedience, tithing, or public apology.
Love-bomb → cold-shoulder cycle: affection when compliant; distance when you’re not.
Isolation tactics: discouraged from outside counsel; “only we’re safe.”
Confession as control: pressured to share private details that later get leveraged.
Platform leverage: opportunities given or taken to enforce conformity.
Forced loyalty: pledges, NDAs, or “loyalty tests” to stay in good standing.
One-way submission: leaders demand accountability but refuse it for themselves.
Shame-based “restoration”: public call-outs or vague warnings “to protect the flock.”
Punishing boundaries: your “no” is labeled pride, rebellion, or trauma.
Outcome management: testimonies edited to fit the narrative; inconvenient stories disappear.
Micromanaged decisions: dating, jobs, moves—even posts—require approval.
Spiritualized threats: “Touch not the Lord’s anointed” used to silence concerns.
Endless inner-circle hoops: special access traded for compliance and flattery.
Unity = uniformity: difference of style or gift is quietly sidelined.
Fear-based counsel: advice framed around “what could go wrong” more than faith and freedom.
Rest = laziness: pace and rest rhythms are shamed to keep you productive.
Restoration payback: “Prove repentance” with extra serving, giving, or public statements.
Private meetings, no paper trail: decisions affecting you made off-record.
Doctrine as leash: secondary issues enforced like salvation issues.
Prophecy as pressure: “words from God” used to steer your choices.

What this produces: secrecy, fear, image-management, and shallow agreement instead of transformed hearts. “Perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18)

How Control-Based Love Breeds the Fear of Man

Control-based “care” trains us to scan faces for cues instead of looking to the Father. When acceptance hangs on compliance, we don’t grow in wisdom—we grow in worry. That inward shrink is what Scripture calls the fear of man (Proverbs 29:25).

Authority confusion: human approval gets conflated with God’s (John 12:42–43; Galatians 1:10).
Identity insecurity: gatekept identity keeps us servants to opinions, not sons/daughters to the Father (Romans 8:15).
Freedom displaced: presence is replaced by performance; conscience is outsourced.
Exclusion threats: The risk of being “put out” trains compliance to keep belonging (John 9:22; Prov 29:25).
Praise economy: We learn to love human approval more than God’s, so we go quiet (John 12:42–43).
“Saul syndrome”: We “obey the people” out of fear and call it wisdom (1 Samuel 15:24).
Conscience on mute: Decisions stall until a leader approves; the peace of Christ no longer rules (Colossians 3:15; Galatians 5:18).
Shame conditioning: Public correction and vague warnings train self-censorship and image-management (Romans 10:11; Psalm 34:5).

Gospel antidote: Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). We obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29), as sons and daughters led by the Spirit of adoption (Romans 8:15).

My friends… control-based love is a religious love - and religious love is counterfeit love. It trades relationship for reputation, conscience for compliance, and freedom for fear. Jesus didn’t come to make us manageable—He came to make us family. Let the leash fall. Step back into sonship.

What the Father Does Instead

He leads by kindness, not pressure. (Romans 2:4)
He shepherds, not dominates. Leaders are “not domineering.” (1 Peter 5:2–3)
He redefines authority as service. (Matthew 20:25–28; John 13)
He restores belonging first, then growth. Woman caught in adultery (John 8); Prodigal son (Luke 15).
He gives the Spirit of adoption, not slavery. (Romans 8:15)
He welcomes honest questions and doubt. He meets “I believe; help my unbelief” and gives wisdom generously (Mark 9:24; James 1:5).
He leads by peace and the inner witness. The peace of Christ rules our hearts; the Spirit guides into all truth (Colossians 3:15; John 16:13).
He honors conscience and personal conviction. “Each should be fully convinced in his own mind… the faith you have, keep between yourself and God” (Romans 14:5, 22–23).
He disciplines as sons, not subjects. His correction is restorative and yields peaceful fruit of righteousness (Hebrews 12:6, 11; Psalm 23:4).
He sets you in family, not isolation. He places the lonely in families and equips the body to build you up (Psalm 68:6; Ephesians 4:11–16; Proverbs 11:14).

Freedom isn’t a reward for good behavior; it’s the soil where real growth happens. “For freedom Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1)

Swap the Scripts (Control → Love)

“Prove you’re repentant by following my steps.”→ “Let’s look at Jesus together and listen for His steps.”
“If you question me, you’re dishonoring.”→ “Your questions are welcome here.”
“Belonging is maintained by compliance.”→ “Belonging is a gift; growth happens inside it.”
“We’ll keep you safe by shrinking your world.”→ “Love equips you to walk with God in the real world.”
“We need to protect you from yourself.”→ “You’re safe with the Father; let’s walk with wisdom together.”
“Submission means you never disagree.”→ “Submission looks like mutual humility, honesty, and listening to Jesus.”
“Rest later—the kingdom needs you now.”→ “Grace sets sustainable rhythms; lasting fruit grows from rest.”
“Your past disqualifies you from influence.”→ “Grace redeems my story and equips me to serve others.”
“Keep this between leadership only.”→ “Let’s bring it into the light with the right people, in love and truth.”

Mini Snapshots: Control vs. the Father’s Love

The Leash

“Stay close—right here—so I can keep an eye on you.”

The Father walks beside me. His nearness is presence, not a tether.

Timeout Spirituality

“Sit out until we’re sure you’ve learned your lesson.”

The Father sits with me. His comfort becomes my correction.

Conditional Grace

“We extend grace when you show you won’t abuse it.”

The Father gives grace and comfort that actually teaches me to say no to ungodliness. (Titus 2:11–12)

The Dimmer Switch

“Tone it down; you’re making people uncomfortable.”

The Father doesn’t shrink my light—He teaches gentleness without muting grace.

The Approved Script

“Say it like this so it fits our culture.”

The Father gives me words in my voice and wisdom for this room.

The Inner Circle

“Wait outside for now; maybe someday.”

The Father seats me at the table now and grows me from belonging.

The Loyalty Test

“If you’re with us, prove it by cutting off X.”

The Father leads in peace; love keeps no record of wrongs and refuses ultimatums.

The Silent Treatment

“We won’t engage until you comply.”

The Father draws near and reasons with me; His kindness, love, and comfort leads me to change.

Why Control Feels Spiritual (But Isn’t)

It looks tidy. Control creates quick order; love grows deep roots.
It feels safe. Certainty is easier than trust. But safety without freedom isn’t love.
It flatters leaders. Being needed can masquerade as being faithful.

Control can manage behavior; it cannot transform hearts. Transformation comes by the filling of our hearts with the Love and Comfort of The Father.

Boundaries vs. Control (Know the Difference)

Boundaries protect value and clarity; they tell the truth without threats.
Control protects image; it relies on fear, access-withholding, and moving goalposts.

Healthy boundary: “We won’t gossip here. If it happens, we’ll pause and talk directly.”

Control move: “If you ever disagree, you’re out.”

Here are a few boundary/control contrasts:

Boundary: “Leaders are accountable; here’s a clear way to raise concerns.” Control: “Leaders are above questioning; concerns equal disloyalty.”
Boundary: “Serving is voluntary; step back when you need to, without penalty.” Control: “Stepping back proves you’re drifting or rebellious.”
Boundary: “Giving is between you and God; no one’s access depends on dollars.” Control: “Access and favor scale with your giving level.”
Boundary: “Your story is yours; we only share it with consent.” Control: “We’ll share your details ‘for teaching’—consent optional.”
Boundary: “Outside counsel is welcome; get the help you need.” Control: “Outside counsel is forbidden; only we are safe.”

How Control Boxes God (and Shrinks Us)

Control-based systems don’t just manage people; they try to manage God. We build boxes labeled, “This is how He moves,” and then wonder why creativity and calling dry up. But the Spirit “blows where He wishes” (John 3:8) and does “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20). When we let God be God, sons and daughters are free to be who He actually made them to be.

Scriptures to Sit With

2 Corinthians 3:17 • Romans 8:15 • Romans 2:4 • 1 Peter 5:2–3 • Matthew 20:25–28 • John 13 • John 8 • Luke 15 • Galatians 5:1,13 • 1 John 4:18 • Acts 5:29 • John 3:8 • Ephesians 3:20 • 2 Corinthians 3:18 • Titus 2:11–12

A Gentle Invitation

If “care” has come with a leash, you’re not crazy for feeling smaller around it. The Father isn’t training you to obey people—He’s teaching you to walk with Him. Your place at His table isn’t earned or fragile. From there, you’ll learn how to live.